In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), protective use of force refers to actions taken to prevent immediate harm or injury, with the sole intention of safeguarding well-being. A classic example is abruptly grabbing the back of someone’s jacket as they are stepping off the curb and yanking them roughly away from an oncoming car. The forceful act prevents worse injury against the person. This is different than "punitive use of force" which aims to punish words or actions, generally motivated by a wish to blame, or make someone else wrong. The drive to penalize or inflict suffering goes against the core principles of NVC. In NVC expecting responsibility and accountability with dignity is an important goal.
An example of emotional Protective Use of Force:
Although we often think of protective or punitive use of force as expressing itself physically, there are many occasions when emotional protective use of force is a healthy strategy. For example, maybe you are in a relationship that involves criticism or hostility towards you. You notice you are often fielding hurtful comments, or experiencing JADE (an urge to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain). Interactions leave you with hurt feelings, anxiety and fatigue. You’ve brought up your feelings and needs, made some requests and the results are unsatisfying. Maybe you keep trying to improve the relationship, yet nothing changes. At some point continuing to be in relationship in this way creates emotional harm. Stepping back from the relationship can be a protective use of force. There is no bad-mouthing or gossip, no trying to get other people on your side to make the other person wrong or deserving of punishment, which would fall into the category of punitive use of force. Ideally you step away peacefully, with the idea that what the other person does or doesn’t do isn’t something you have to take personally, and you also don’t have to continue to be in that relationship and accept the treatment you have been receiving.
An example of physical Protective Use of Force:
Recently I was on a walk in some nearby woods with my small dog, Frankie. The woods have clear rules about dogs being on leash, though there are often dog walkers who do not follow this rule. A larger dog came from around a bend in the trail, off leash, heading right towards us with no human in sight. The dog was not wagging it’s tail, or showing other signs of wanting to play, and the dog was not one known to me on my frequent walks. Frightened, I got in front of my dog, and as the other dog got close, I yelled stop and raised my knee to block the dog’s jump towards me. My knee hit the dog in the chest. The dog gave itself a shake and turned away, loping back around the curve, presumably to its caregiver.
Naturally my heart was racing and I felt a surge of adrenaline. In those moments before the dog jumped I had no way of knowing the dog’s intention. I used physical protective use of force to avoid potential injury to me, my dog, and the dog coming towards me. After I lifted my knee and the dog ran into it, I didn’t continue to engage with the dog. If I was interested in punitive use of force I could have grabbed a stick to hit the dog, or chased the dog to it’s owner and yelled at the person who was responsible for the dog.
Instead, I remained where I was, checking in with myself and Frankie, giving us both some empathy. I then turned in the other direction to avoid any more interactions with the other dog or it’s caregiver. Afterwards, I decided if I saw the dog in the woods unleashed again, I would talk to the caregiver, and I thought about what I might say that would likely have the best chance of being heard. This was again protective use of force.
As an example, a conversation through the lens of protective use of force could sound like this:
“Hey, I’d like to speak with you. Last time I saw this dog in the woods it was off leash and it came directly at me, jumping towards me. I was frightened and put my knee up. The dog ran into my knee, turned around and took off. My guess is the dog may be friendly, only in that moment I couldn’t tell and I was really frightened. I wish all dog owners in the woods would keep their dogs on leash to allow every one to feel more safe. I’m wondering what you think about what I am telling you, and would you be willing to keep this dog leashed?” Although I can’t guarantee the person would change their behavior, I know I would feel better that I had communicated what was important to me, while also wanting to know what it was like for the other dog’s caregiver.
I’m sure it would be easy to imagine what I might have said to the dog owner if I had approached them in the moment after the dog came at me! Likely it would have been much more punitive, and not in the spirit of NVC.
In many ways, protective use of force is an example of boundary setting. When we set boundaries from the stand point of “here’s what I prefer, here is what I can tolerate, here is where I start and stop” (as opposed to “I won’t let you do that; stop it; if you do this to me, I’ll do this back to you”) we are protecting ourselves from potential harm. There is a common misconception that NVC means always being nice, kind and generous, regardless of the circumstances. I would argue that meeting someone else’s needs at my own expense is not NVC. NVC is where everyone’s needs matter, even if it means taking a protective and boundaried approach in relationships.
I like Marshall Rosenberg’s description regarding protective use of force that Miki Kashtan shares on her website: “The protective use of force is necessary when another person for whatever reason is not willing to communicate and meanwhile their actions are threatening our needs. So we need to take whatever action can be made to protect against that happening but we can do that without violence. Use force to prevent violence.”
Perhaps this will be useful the next time you find yourself in the position where you want to avoid violence and you want to remain safe and with healthy boundaries intact.
Comments